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Philadelphia, PA (AP)  Hillary Clinton’s campaign manager Maggie Williams called a last minute decision to cancel a planned appearance at a north side Philadelphia neighborhood a “good miss” after violence erupted late Wednesday afternoon.  What was supposed to be a small gathering of Clinton supporters for a short speech quickly turned into mayhem after a large crowd of Obama fans arrived on the site. The scene erupted into violence as the few Clinton supporters who remained were beaten and pummeled by the group.  Garbage cans and dumpsters were lit on fire as the crowd shouted, “Where’s Hillary? We ready for her!”  The Pennsylvania State Police and units from the Philadelphia Police Department’s tactical assault team had to be called in to disperse the crowd and by evening the situation was under control.  17 people were taken to local hospitals where they were treated for a variety of injuries including burns and gunshot wounds.      

Philadelphia, PA (AP) - Speaking to a throng of Philadelphians at that city’s annual St. Patrick’s Day parade, Senator Barack Obama (D-IL) welcomed the possibility of a match up between himself and Senator John McCain in this fall’s presidential election. “Coming from the south side of Chicago,” the senator intoned, “I feel like I know every one of you blarney bastards. As America’s first citizen-underclass, your potato-eating ancestors provided an example of hard work and binge drinking for all who followed in our great country, and I call on all of my fellow suntans to rejoice in the possibility of a match up between myself and that Republican mick this fall.”

Firing up the crowd, Obama called on unity as the foundation for any Democratic win in the fall. “Whether you’re a dirty mick, a greasy spick, or a redneck hick together we can bring change. Whether kraut or a red sea pedestrian, dago or jigaboo, yes we can!”

Striking a populist chord, the Senator called for solidarity across racial lines. “So, my fellow paddies, jungle bunnies, pollacks, slopes and grease balls of all stripes: let’s all get shit-faced for America. Let us all raise a shot of Jameson’s in one hand, and a forty of Colt in another. For in the great words of my main spade Billy Dee, when battling against those who would assume the role of corporate massah, unity across ethnic lines ‘works every time.’

Pittsburgh, PA (AP) - In denying charges that Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY) has grossly exaggerated, and even fabricated, the importance of her role as First Lady in affecting and implementing foreign policy during her husband’s administration, the Clinton campaign has suggested an investigatory probe regarding the issue.

Asked to comment from his penthouse in Harlem on the campaign’s response tactic, former President Bill Clinton stated, “A probe? Yea, that sounds damned good. It needs to be full, though. Full, and thorough. Oh, shit yea, baby….”

Campaigning in Pittsburgh, and appearing taken aback by the eagerness of several media outlets to administer the probe, the candidate called for “a spirit of calm bipartisanship to act as a political lubricant” in the implementation of the inquiry.

Busy spreading animal lard up and down his right arm and hand, MSNBC’s Keith Olberman was not available for comment.

In music news this week, Sting announced that he will be retiring for good at the end of his current North American tour.  The venerable lead singer of the rock group The Police has been plagued in recent years by a variety of geriatric ailments including a heart condition and renal failure.    

Sting, who started in the music business shortly after being discharged from military service at the end of World War Two (Sting served in the 1st Battalion, Royal Fusiliers and was wounded at Anzio, February 1944), has had a long career with hits spanning multiple decades.  His 60 year career has included such hits as Roxanne, Message in a Bottle and Don’t Stand so Close to Me.   Although his latest effort, A Pensioner’s Tale, failed to break the top 200 Sting soldiered on by embarking on a world tour at the end of 2007.  Disappointing ticket sales and Sting’s poor state of health led to his announcement on Wednesday.  His final show will be July 23rd at the Municipal Amphitheater in Scranton, PA.      

HOUSTON, TX (AP) - “I’ve got news for Sen. Obama my friends, Al Qaeda is already in Iraq. In fact my friends, Germany has a very large population of Germans; those little, yellow, rice-eaters are still squatting in the ‘Nam; and Japs may well be in Hawaii and elsewhere in our great nation. And, my friends, if I’m elected president, I’ll root them all out”

“My friends, don’t get me started on the Prussian threat.”

This is the ammunition Sen. McCain (R-AR) brought to the stage over the weekend while campaigning in Texas and Ohio. The GOP front-runner is banking on the notion that voters want the next president to be someone able and experienced enough to protect them from global enemies. It’s an issue that appears to ring true to those in McCain’s campaign crowd.

“What John McCain says is true,” said Darryl Dalrimple, a McCain supporter and developer of the website Gun Totin’ Christies For McCain. (www.guntotinchristiesformccain.org) “Hell, we should have run them ruskies out of Russia back in ‘45,” spouted Dalrimple, adding, “All our foes are making comebacks: Germany, Japan, them Philippines. McCain won’t stand for that and neither should we.”

“Plus, he talks to you like he’s your friend,” Dalrimple muttered as he limped sullenly away.

Sen. Barack Obama (D-IL) did not let McCain’s tough talk go unchallenged.

“I’ve got some news for you too John McCain,” Obama jived. “You’re old and leathery like that old lady wearing the bikini in Brazil.”

“As many of you know,” Obama continued, “I was editor of the Harvard Law Review, and we need a president with the intelligence to make sound judgements. You can rest assured I will defend this country against all enemies,” Obama declared. “And like my brain, my balls are enormous.”

“How can you not fall for Barack?” swooned Texas campaign organizer Missy Dimeenure. “A man that can endure all that testicular chafing in the cause of defending America, well, that’s just something Hillary (Sen. Clinton, D-NY) cannot claim.”  

Little Rock (AP) - In a stunning development last Friday night, the Clinton presidential campaign announced it’s intention to exchange the candidate’s committed superdelegates for a bad-ass crew of wet ‘n’ wild superfreaks.

Superdelegates are party bigwigs, appointed to attend the party’s nominating convention in August, with the power to vote for whichever candidate they choose. Superfreaks are cum-guzzling sluts ready for all manner of no holes barred adult fun.

The announcement came from the penthouse atop the Clinton presidential library in Little Rock, Arkansas and was attended by throngs of political operatives and deviants. Commenting on the rationale behind the decision, former President William Jefferson Clinton stated, “While I’m sure she (Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton, (D)-New York) would have liked the support of superdelegates like (former Vice President) Al (Gore), will you get a load of the fun bags on that little trick standing in the corner? Pardon me while I see to that shit.”

The primary beneficiary of the announcement, Senator, and newly presumptive nominee, Barack Obama (D-Illinois) stated, “Let this throbbing, pulsating message of hope and change go forward throughout our great land and in the inspirational words of another great black leader, these are clearly not the kind of girls we’ll be taking home to mother!”

Responding to a growing desire across the country for non-partisan political cooperation, the announcement was attended by fellow presidential candidate, and former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee. Governor Huckabee noted, “As a normal white person I simply don’t buy into the notion that my grandparents might have been apes. But when I stop and consider a three-way with those two midgets on the dance floor, well, let’s just say I can feel a hundred million years of evolution coursing through my every vein. Yowwwwuuuuu, let’s party!!”

Adorned with a barbed wire corset, a ball-gag, and handcuffs, Senator Hillary Clinton was unavailable for comment.

As the scene devolved into a moaning, writhing mass of presidential politics, and after being observed attempting to fuck a hooker’s nostril ring, a spent Ted Kennedy (D-Mass.) stated, “Let the word go forth that the torch has been passed to a new generation of superfreaks, born in … oh fuck it! Obama in ‘08!!!!”

FADE IN to a broadcaster’s booth overlooking the playing surface of Maple Leaf Gardens in Toronto. Facing the camera, with the playing surface in the background, are two men holding microphones. On the viewer’s left is a horeshoe-bald, middle age white man with a greasy mustache, and a pock-marked face. His sport coat is ratty, and his tie too long and too thin.  This is Seamus.  On the viewer’s right is an older man; he is grey-haired and in possession of a thousand-yard stare.  He wears a matching suit jacket, pants and tie that is at once natty and garish.  Despite his sartorial splendor, the man gives the impression of one disheveled and battered in body, spirit and mind.  This is Grapes.  

SEAMUS: Well, dat’s the final from here in Toronto, Grapes.  Da Coyotes 1 and da Leafs 4.

GRAPES: It just goes to show ya, ya may be da Great One, but if ya abandon your team and your Country, dere’s just not much to say for ya.  

SEAMUS: OK den, Grapes.  How about dat checking line for da Leafs?

GRAPES: If dose guys ain’t worth a million bucks, den I don’t know.  Dere some one-timin’, goal scorin’, sniper assassins. If da League don’t do something ta stop da pansy grabbin’ ‘n’ graspin’ den dere’s not much ta say for ‘em.

SEAMUS: World going one way, ice hockey another, yo.  Well dat’s it for our broadcast from Toronto.  Good night, folks!

GRAPES: And here’s hopin’ everybody out dere has a good time tonight.

CUT SHARPLY to a dimly lit, seedy motel room. On the bed is a woman.  She is on her back, with her legs in the air. She is  frizzy-haired, morbidly obese, and middle-aged.  This is Claudia.   On top of Claudia is Grapes.  His back and buttocks are glistened with sweat, while his breathing is raspy, phlegmatic and riddled with grunt-like noises.  We hear the sound of bed springs along with a rythmic “squelch, squelch, squelch.”

CLAUDIA: Ugh, ugh, ugh, give me that stink pole, Grapes!

GRAPES: Jaysus, Claudia, what’s dat stench?

CLAUDIA:  Ugh, ugh, ugh, pound me, Grapes, pound me! 

GRAPES:  Shut yer pie-hole over dere, Claudia! I’m tryin’ ta do sumptin over here! Uhhhh, sweet jaysus-god!

The air is rent with Grapes’ flatulence, as he goes still. FADE OUT.